Steak…

I have lived every manner of place, but i will always be a Texas girl down to my marrow.  And in Texas, we like our steak.  It is as much a staple as Maryland crabs/cakes or Rainier cherries.  Having also lived in both Maryland and Washington, I can also attest to loving the mess out of some crabs and cherries as well.  But there is something about a steak…big, thick, juicy, marbled, seasoned, Texas, steak…that is on an entirely different level, and when I want to sink my teeth into a steak, nothing else will do.  It fills me.  It satiates not only my stomach, but my psychological hunger for a MEAL.  And when I have a darned near desperate hankering (as we say in Texas), everything else is simply unappetizing.  I don’t want soup. I do not want a salad.  Please don’t offer me a smoothie.

ImageI mean, look at it.  Can you go with me here?  I don’t know about you, but this picture is already throwing me there.  Am I alone on this one??

Anyway, a funny thing has been happening to me this week.  I am starving.  I wake up starving and i go throughout my day with that craving to be filled with something substantial.  But it isn’t for a steak…recently I have had a realization.  This realization came to me through a series of divine interventions.  See, I am a pretty ordinary girl by many standards.  So when the God of heaven turns His face upon me like a spotlight boring through vast darkness right onto my small being, I am caught off guard to the point that i just have to set a spell in wonder and awe.  When the God of the Bible, the same one from throughout the ages, looks at this ordinary girl and voluntarily and unprompted does the supernatural, it gets my attention.  The effect has inspired in me something new–a fresh longing.  This sort of reciprocal relationship reminds me of a courtship where the lover does some great act and the recipient is compelled to respond with mental, physical, and emotional love that tiptoes on the border of complete abandonment of any and all reservation.  It is a nearly insatiable craving to throw oneself into that person any and every way possible.  When you are in love like that, just no one else will do.  No THING else will do.  Every moment spent away from the person who inspires that within you just feels, well, ho hum.  Right?  Like when you watch the Wizard of Oz and it goes from Technicolor back to black and white and the whole picture just feels a little lackluster.  This has been my heart towards Jesus as of late.

I have been, for far too long, satisfying myself with some adequate, but non-comparable, spiritual dining.  Its that moment, after my Lord has turned His face upon me, when this girls in response turns he face up back towards the Father and realizes that her whole existence is a mere shadow of what it could be.  I want more in this life.

Other times when I have looked around at my life and found it lacking, I’ve been left with this empty, gnawing, unsettled sense that something wasn’t right and i needed to change some things.  More school.  Better job.  More fulfilling career. Get a puppy.  More organization.  Sticking to a work out plan.  Eating healthier.  Get a puppy.  Saving more money.  Going on more vacation.  Actually writing thank you notes, or sending out Christmas cards.  Volunteer work.  More discipline in my kids’ lives.  Get a puppy.  More consistent quiet time.  Call that person who has been on my heart.  Pray more.  Cuss less. Wardrobe change.  Haircut.  Clean my house (it’s gross, y’all).  Do more fun things with my kids.  Make more money.  Give away more money.  Get a puppy.  Foster parent.  Boob job (hey, most honest women will admit to at least the passing thought…).  More friends.  Less friends.  Going out more.  Going out less.  Get a puppy.

Y’all. I just don’t even know!  I’m tired just writing that. It is exhausting.  And even the best plans to fulfill even a fraction of these on my own strength and as a solution to that nagging, uncomfortable knowledge that things in my life just always fall short, will (and ALWAYS do) fall short.  What i am finding, however, is that everything i do that is motivated from that intense hunger and desire for HIM will, in fact, satiate and fulfill.

I learned a hard lesson in a very painful season of my life where i decided to pursuit some very sinful desires because I thought, “Hey, let’s face it.  This whole obedience, doing the right thing isn’t working out so good for me.  I’ll just have a go at it and see if I can do better with my choices, rather than following some mandates”.  That decision cost me more than i was ever anticipating paying.  In the midst of reaping horrendous consequences for decision made out of that place, I heard the song More Like Falling in Love, by Jason Gray. Can I just tell you that that song spoke a truth over my life that struck realization into me about why I was able to screw everything up so (seemingly) easily.

“These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.  They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.”  Is. 29:13

I don’t want my heart to be far from Him anymore.  I want more.  I want to go deeper.  I want to love Him more.  I want the wholeness of life and identity in Christ, and just nothing else will do.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Give me rules, I will break them

Show me lines, I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet

Its gotta be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
Its like I’m falling, Ohhhh
Its like I’m falling in love

Give me words, I’ll misuse them
Obligations, I’ll missplace them
Cuz all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free

Its gotta be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
Its like I’m falling
Its like I’m falling in love

Love, Love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Its gotta be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
Its like I’m falling, Ohhhh
Its like I’m falling

Its gotta be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
Its like I’m falling, Ohhhh
Its like I’m falling
In love
I’m falling in love

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