What an odd couple of weeks…I feel like I have been so scattered. My heart and my mind have been all over the place. God speaks to me about a hundred different things every day. And then, some days I am walking with Him and other days I feel like I am in left field and am shaking my head like trying to knock the fogginess off. I have been so busy that I truthfully don’t know how I’ve been getting through the days. I must’ve been carried because truthfully there is no other answer. Satan often gets me when I am busy. I am more prone to drifting in my walk wen I just am not fully mentally, emotionally, or physically available. I get consumed by other things. That’s really what worship is, isn’t it? Being totally consumed by something? hmmm. maybe that’s the thing. I’ve been feeling recently like I am losing more battles than I am looking around feeling victorious about. what gets me is that in the midst of feeling defeated, i swear that I hear the Holy Spirit gently raising my head by my chin and saying, “this is not a loss. this sin was always here, it is just coming to the surface so we can deal with it.” I do feel momentarily hopeful. i guess i also am just feeling like there is SO MUCH JUNK. makes me wonder how i ever could have previously looked at myself as a decent human being. the old crap is still there, it is just a little less on the surface than it used to be. in my head, i liken it to chipping the top off an iceburg so that the waters look clear, but they are really filled with these sub-surface chunks of rock-ice formations. I’ve surveyed things and actually thought, “huh, things are looking a lot better!” seriously? sometimes i feel so hopeless. It is hard to feel like much of any refining is going on when the same old battles are trudging their way back into my battlefield. my roommie said that the difference is that i am making better decisions. most of the time, that is encouraging. but those decisions are just so so hard. i think that must be why i don’t feel like there is much progress. they were always hard. they aren’t less hard. same level of difficulty as before, the only difference is my choice at the end, and either way i still feel black and blue and bloodied and less than victorious.
that is the difference. but maybe, just maybe there is just a bit more below the surface of a simple choice. I came to learn that doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing wasn’t enough. i have to make my decisions out of a desperate love for my God. all else is worship of self: -image, -righteousness, -worth, -respect, -gain. and as long as those things were my God, my decisions would reflect what I was worshiping. So…perhaps my roommie is right and there is something going on below the surface of the waters besides remnants of these huge glaciers of catastrophically destructive sins in my life. I pray to God that one day i will be so in love with Him that choosing sinful paths would be distasteful, not so hard. I have moments. moments when I look at the two options and in my mind’s eye i see myself holding a treasure in one hand and a rotting pile of maggot-infested poo in my other hand. One is a crown I get to place on my head, the other is sick that i get to smear all over my body. and in clarity i drop the rotten thing like a hot potato and shake off the remnants in revolt. but i want to see the thing a mile off. i don’t want to have to get in for a close inspection before the smell snaps me out of the lies and the temptations. I jut want to be all in this Christian living thing. no more divided heart.