So there is this concept that I think God has been impressing upon me, and I am going to attempt to unpack this in some sort of comprehensible manner…but I promise nothing since I am only half mentally here after the holiday weekend and am currently sitting on my bathroom floor watching my two year old and three year old douse each other with soapy bath water, singing about water beetles (i have no idea…). and asking me how to stack soap bottle caps in the “right” order (She is a little OCD. Heaven help me) and asking me to sing the hallelujah chorus.
I already forgot what I was talking about in between unscrewing the colored soap cap and the dog barking. Yeesh. Ps. 90:12. Ok…here it goes…
I have been SWAMPED. Here is how bad it is. That car accident I got into last week? Well, I still havent taken my car in for an estimate. That’s not the worst of it. Apparently, the “other guy’s” insurance agency has been trying to get a hold of me. But I didn’t know. Cuz my phone broke. When Apple pushed through some software update that acted more like a virus. And now it is broken. Sweet baby Pete!! I received via SNAIL MAIL a notice that they cannot complete the claim until they have a little chat with me. OMGosh. Those poor people. Well, I’ll call tomorrow. It is a sad state of affairs when snail mail is a more effective form of communication in my life that my phone. It is things like this that tempt me to feel like I am a mess and that my life is a mess and maybe the judgey looks that I get from people at various times are perhaps correct.
Anyway, all of this is to say that I have been feeling woefully swamped and overwhelmed in almost every area of my life. Work, family, church, finances, home, chores, ect.. Kinda dropping the ball right and left everywhere. But here’s the thing. It is not because i have been sitting on the couch popping bonbons or just cant give up my relaxing afternoons at the pool. This is what has been so hard for me. I have things that HAVE to get done. Important, necessary evils for life in first-world America. I am just trying to do it all, and failing at it all.
But here is the truth, God has called me to very particular things in my life, the rest are just extras. So what He has been pointing out to me is that, while all of it is necessary, not all of it is really on the same level. Maybe I am being too vague and it isn’t making sense. Every day I feel like I did not spend enough time with my kids, the house is a bit of a wreck, and I usually ran out of work hours before I got all of the taskers I had for the day done. Not to mention the weekly “specials” like addressing a car accident, fixing my phone, getting my dental cleaning taken care of so that I am deployable and the Air Force can rest in peace at night in that knowledge, for a few examples.
I have been fighting this internal struggle of wondering how to get it all done, because it all has to get done, and feeling like I am not only NOT getting it all done, but I am chasing so much after my “to-do” list that I am missing the whole point of life, which happens to be more than one giant, unending list. What, exactly, is the balance for a single mothering who is working two jobs?
God’s answer? “Sarah, if you can trust Me with the big things in your life, like your future and your children, why do you refuse to bring me the overwhelming moments of your days. I don’t just want your years and your months and your weeks. And I don’t just want them for prayers like, “God, please help my glorify You in this thing’. I also want to be your ezer every single day.”
What is an ‘ezer’? you might ask. So did I. It is a helper, a savior, a completer. It is the term used for Eve when God made Adam a helper, and also the word applied to Christ as our Savior. He doesn’t just want to save my life, He wants to save me day and my moments. He wants to be so incredibly intertwined in my life that I am trusting Him from moment to moment to sustain me. I haven’t been.
The result? A slowly, building, swamping list of failed tasks in my life.
I listened today to a sermon (http://www.crosspoint.tv/media/the-5-lies-we-believe/ –>week 2) that gave me a total light bulb moment. It wasn’t just an epiphany, it was convicted that sliced into my very soul and pierced at the root. The whole things was awesome and worth a listen, but the last half caused me to shift my attention from the pile of laundry I was folding to undivided eyes on the screen. There are things I have put off taking care of because I have just not exercised faith in those areas of my life. I have felt too inadequate, felt too overwhelmed, felt too whatever to tackled the task I need to do. I’ve refused to acknowledge that it was a heart and faith issue and kept thinking I should just be “able to handle my life” or be “able to do these simple things”. It is a pride, and a HUGE stumbling block. One thing Pete Wilson said in the sermon is that we need to ruthlessly prioritize the things in our lives. I felt a knot in my stomach over some things I have really felt God directing me to handle, but when I try to tackle them in my own strength, I just can’t seem to rise to the occasion for some reason, and maybe I give up a little bit, or altogether… I have tried to prioritize, according to my own understanding and in my own strength.
The verse the brought up left me with the wind knocked out of my chest, knowing it touched on the root of the issue:
Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts. Ps. 90:12
This verse speaks to the concept of stewardship and the wisdom that comes from stewarding our time well and obediently to God. I want to be careful with my days and understand the brevity of life so that I am wise. I want to submit to God in the small areas of my moments in order to allow Him to bring me to places of success.
I think I was meant to walk this life with Him. Every bit of it. The big, and the teeny tiny. He is my starting point, my Rock. I have expected Him to lead me well in so many things, why have I withheld my “to-do” list to my own detriment? Doesn’t even really make sense, actually…
In the words of a great, modern American philosopher:
LORD, may I learn to trust you immediately with everything in my life BEFORE I have turned it into a stumbling block of faith. Take my failure, small and great, and use them. Don’t just teach me, Father, change me. I want to be a new creation. I want to be a woman of faith, from the smallest of life’s challenges, to the biggest. Thank You, LORD, for teaching me the foundational precepts so patiently. Help me to number my days as precious unto You, not to me, and to allow Your Holy Spirit to develop in me a heart of wisdom