The choice to pursue

Fall is here in Maryland, and that means pumpkin patches and apple picking galore and cool breezes and autumn colors falling lightly across the horizons.  In Seattle it just meant rain. J  I still miss it, for some reason.  This season has also meant huge schedule changes with the onset of weekend soccer practices, and mid-week Awanas, and Monday night ballets classes.  It’s the first time the girls have been old enough to participate in such activities.  Oh, and my oldest “baby” is officially a pre-schooler.  It all happened so fast that I didn’t actually realize that she was now in pre-school.  In my defense, she didn’t even switch classrooms at the daycare she and her sister attend.  They are just following an organized curriculum.  And I didn’t attend the parent meeting that was held in the middle of the girls’ bedtime: 7-7:30pm.  And isn’t pre-school actually a somewhat optional thing, unlike kindergarten?  I felt justified, at any rate.  Though, I still wish I had taken a picture or something the first morning of this important rite of passage.

New season, new ages, new activities, and schedules, and new things to learn.  I guess the girls aren’t the only ones who are stepping up the level of intensity in their schooling and life stages.  God’s been challenging my life in so many new and hard ways.  Good ways, but hard.  There are times when things in life get so overwhelming that we just have a hard time keeping up with anything.  And then the ball gets dropped on various things.  Sometimes that’s ok.  Sometimes not.  One of my best friends growing up once told me when I was in college that there is a difference between urgent things and important things and that I needed to learn the difference.  Guess I still have room to grow in that department…

Of all the things that got dropped to varying degrees (cleaning, cooking, laundry, car work, grocery shopping) my morning Bible study slid ever so slightly, and so did my nighttime prayers.  I had just gotten through a round of double toddler pneumonia and something like the flu myself.  I just kinda drowned for a couple weeks and found I just couldn’t practice adequate hygiene and feed the kids and have Bible study in the morning and make it to work.  I think it is ok to have times where daily life just requires more than usual.  heck, I’ll just say it.  sometimes normal things in life are hard and I just can’t do everything that I need to do. it happens.  And it is often punctuated with something out of the normal that is overly difficult that throws everything off kilter.  But I got so caught up in trying to get caught up that I kinda left my Savior and only real help in the dust.  I plowed ahead hoping He’d keep up.  How silly of me.  You’d think I’d learn by now that when things get hard, I need to not allow anything to come in between myself and my Source.

Funny how life is with time.  It doesn’t get easier with the passing.  Faith and trust.  Love and hope.  With every new difficulty or heartache, this is always the bottom line.  When my government pay goes away or gets put on hold.  When my season of waiting is long.  When I do not understand what God is doing or where He is leading me.  When I wonder if any of my hopes or dreams will ever be a part of my reality.   When I wonder if I am messing up all the important things in life.  When I feel like I let my God down.  When I let my friends down.  When I do not guard my tongue.  When I see the evil in myself.  When my desires are selfish and godless.  When I am weary of doing good.  When I squelch the Holy Spirit.  When I fail.  When I just feel like a mess.  When I suffer a loss greater than words can express.  When the waves come and they crash over me and I cannot rise up for air.  I choose.

I choose my God.  I choose to believe Him.  I choose to trust Him.  I choose to love Him and to accept His love.  I choose joy.  I choose truth over the lies.  I choose freedom.  I choose to pursue Him white-knuckled and bloodied from this life and its pain and brokenness.  I choose to seek His face and His kingdom.  I choose to pursue a life where God can impart His holiness and purity.  I choose to submit and to do the hard thing when it comes to loving others.  I choose to die.  And I choose life.

The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented us. – C.S. Lewis

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